You know this might come as a shock for some people but I seriously don’t go into some movies and shows to hate them take for example Open Season. When I put that movie on I was going to spend the day watching and writing notes on other crappy movies but my mother came down to where I was watching them really sick so I said “No I’m gonna put on something good so my mom doesn’t have to watch The Prodigy or Elf Bowling The Movie.” I put on Open Season and I was shocked to realize that BOTH my mom and me hated that movie so don’t think that I have always low expectations of movies and shows I watch. In actuality I keep them relatively high because unlike most of the people behind the crap I review I know there’s some intelligent and artistic merit out there BUT NOT IN MATT HATTER. OH NO! There is NOTHING close to intelligence or artistic merit in Matt Hatter Chronicles.

The story goes that one day Matt Hatter an his family go to his grandfather’s movie theater to take care of the place while he’s gone. While looking around Matt finds a book that has his grandfather’s ghost… life energy… recording, I watched the freaking pilot episode and I have no idea, inside and his grandfather tells him he’s the new “Hatter Hero.” Seriously. HATTER HERO. Did the writers read this out loud when they were writing? Now Matt most go into the Multiverse, which is a world built from different movie genres, to save his grandfather from the evil Tenoroc and his Gollum wannabee sidekick by defeating all the evil villains that Tenoroc has in his collection with the help of a tracker named Roxy, and a seven little dwarf reject named Gomez.

First off any pretense of this being related to movie genres, throw that out the window. This pilot shows they’re just creating random monster designs for this villain of the week series. In this episode Matt faces the Black Knight and when you think Black Knight I’m positive you don’t think this steam punk teapot head with a RAINBOW COLOURED LANCE. Why do they have it rainbow coloured instead of a metal colour or just one colour? Because violence would completely corrupt our children turning them all into serial killers or something like that. Next I’m sure we can expect when Tenoroc releases Dracula he’ll do a blood sucking rap before attacking Matt and his friends.

Second, this pilot might possibly have the worst written expository dialogue ever. Nothing is said with a hint of subtext to it and there is ALWAYS subtext to dialogue. While learning script writing we learn that no matter what dialogue you write there is always the subtext of the main point of the dialogue that guides people through it. This is because subconsciously we’re always looking for subtext. Think of any romantic comedy where the two leads “hate” each other we all see the subtext of every line being that they do love each other they just won’t say it. What’s interesting about someone saying, “If we want to beat the black Knight we have to get a strong light source to beat him?” Answer: It’s Not. That’s mostly all the dialogue just trying to explain everything but by writing with no subtext to it you miss A LOT of important details. For example, I had NO idea that the grandfather character was trapped inside the book until the very end of the pilot, hell I needed to watch it again to figure out the book was actually called the chronicles.

When I first saw the character of Matt Hatter one thing screamed across my mind. Archetype. Picture him as one of the blander Disney Princes if he were a lot younger. The other characters aren’t much better. Roxy tries to pull off the bitch archetype but the dialogue CONSTANTLY… itself in this regard. My favorite being when Matt is getting his weapon, the Cell Blaster, and right before this Gomez says that NO ONE but a Hatter can pull the Cell Blaster from the stone (Ha ha. Sword in the stone reference. Clever.). Guess what happens in, not kidding, 1 minute after that? She tries to pull the Cell Blaster from the stone to try ad show him up. This doesn’t make her a bitch. This makes her freaking stupid to even try that. Oh and Gomez… yeah he exists. His character is the blandest out of the three, hard to believe I know, thanks to him having no personality other than he’s afraid and he gives exposition on EVERYTHING. Guess it makes writing easier when you can just have Gomez read off everything you got in your notes on the world and such. The cherry on this crap sundae is that they are all voiced by people who apparently are 5 minutes away from falling asleep saying their lines.

Now onto the art style… BLLLLLLLLLEEEEEH!!!!! This is one of the most unappealing designs I’ve ever seen. Picture if every Western RPG character and every JRPG character were smashed together and told to dress as conservatively as possible. These designs are what you would get. Bland and dully animated. Oh all except for Matt’s bestest friend Marlin.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

What in the holy mother of hell is this? A mouse/hamster hybrid? Whatever he isn’t in the pilot for too long. Actually a second is too long to have this abomination on screen. The settings (what little I saw of them) aren’t all that impressive either. A lot of dark greens and blues making it not seem grim or oppressing but boring and sleep inducing. Even the actual textures of all the models make everything seem flat and lifeless. The only thing that looks remotely good is the dessert, which is already a bleak and desolate location to begin with.

Plot hole time. It’s been a while since I’ve seen writing that made this many huge plot holes. The most prominent being, that at the beginning of the episode it’s made clear that Grandpa is trapped in the book, and Tenoroc has all the monsters he can use to destroy everything so… why in god’s name does he only send out one monster? I know it’s a monster of the week series but he JUST beat the previous Hatter Hero wouldn’t his first order of business be to release them all to wreck everything while the next Hatter is being chosen. Strategically doesn’t that make sense for an evil mastermind? Second big ass plot hole or maybe I would call it plot padding, the Black Knight is released and Tenoroc gives him zero mission just run around destroying crap. BUT THEN Tenoroc orders the Black Knight to go back WHERE HE MADE HIM FIRST APPEARED to steal this magical grail that undoubtedly will kill him. Am I just stupid? This seems easy to fix, let the first thing he does BE to steal the grail and use it to boost the power of his energy lance. Without that the Black Knight is just wondering around for 10 minutes before Matt Hatter and his crew show up to kick his ass.

Matt Hatter Chronicles someday may end up on Cartoon Corner because if it keeps heading down this path it will need to be talked about but I think I got all my major grievances out of the way. It’s blandly designed and animated, the characters are uninteresting archetypes that contradict themselves from line to line, and the whole movie connection is completely lost potential and not utilized in any form of intelligent away. In short, Matt Hatter Chronicles is the Open Season of television shows to me disappointing and infuriating. Finally if you want a Kickass Theme song that explains the plot of the story each time take a tip from Conan The Adventurer and don’t suck total ass and be as forgettable as Chop Kick Panda.

 

NEXT TIME: Legendary A Paintball Documentary OR Paranorman